Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Can’t escape your past role...
You know the ones. The ones for which you cannot recall their current character name without at least 5 minutes thought. My personal favourites:
1) Crap Gangster Eddie Santini on EastEnders.
Dude, he was more evil as a police officer on The Bill. To his credit, he was a reason for the only time that I have been thoroughly hooked on The Bill, but hence will always be known as Eeeevil Eddie Santini to my family. Have you left your bad tan leather jacket in Sun Hill, Eddie? Gay Pike only loses out on the EastEnders winner spot cos he looks so different now. And this week’s new entry: Gay Pike’s son is posho Jeremy off of Soldier Soldier, who had that thing with that woman officer, but with the cunning disguise of a gingery beard. 1st runner-up prize: Nicola Dobson after she found hair straighteners.
2) Grange Hill student Richard in Go.
Slightly obscure, but worthy of mention because I never would have believed Desmond Askew’s accent was real in Go had I not spent my early years watching him and his girlfriend Maria (who loses out on a mention on this list cos she changed her hair drastically to play Kira on This Life) on Tuesday and Friday afternoons.
3) Commodore Miles in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Wow, Miles is still pissy even when he gets to wear a stylin’ brocade-laden coat and wig.
4)The entirety of the Dawson’s Creek cast.
Mostly this involves going to see films and going, “Oooh, Joey’s swearing!” but also includes laughing at Dawson trying to be evil, and saying “you know that bit when Pacey dies/Pacey is gay/Pacey is really young/Pacey is really Paceylike but swearing in a Bryan Singer film...
5)Spike off of Press Gang being English in anything.
I know he’s English. But darnit, it’s Spike! And he’s American! And fighting through a tortuous will-they-won’t-they relationship with prickly Julia Sawalha.
You know the ones. The ones for which you cannot recall their current character name without at least 5 minutes thought. My personal favourites:
1) Crap Gangster Eddie Santini on EastEnders.
Dude, he was more evil as a police officer on The Bill. To his credit, he was a reason for the only time that I have been thoroughly hooked on The Bill, but hence will always be known as Eeeevil Eddie Santini to my family. Have you left your bad tan leather jacket in Sun Hill, Eddie? Gay Pike only loses out on the EastEnders winner spot cos he looks so different now. And this week’s new entry: Gay Pike’s son is posho Jeremy off of Soldier Soldier, who had that thing with that woman officer, but with the cunning disguise of a gingery beard. 1st runner-up prize: Nicola Dobson after she found hair straighteners.
2) Grange Hill student Richard in Go.
Slightly obscure, but worthy of mention because I never would have believed Desmond Askew’s accent was real in Go had I not spent my early years watching him and his girlfriend Maria (who loses out on a mention on this list cos she changed her hair drastically to play Kira on This Life) on Tuesday and Friday afternoons.
3) Commodore Miles in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Wow, Miles is still pissy even when he gets to wear a stylin’ brocade-laden coat and wig.
4)The entirety of the Dawson’s Creek cast.
Mostly this involves going to see films and going, “Oooh, Joey’s swearing!” but also includes laughing at Dawson trying to be evil, and saying “you know that bit when Pacey dies/Pacey is gay/Pacey is really young/Pacey is really Paceylike but swearing in a Bryan Singer film...
5)Spike off of Press Gang being English in anything.
I know he’s English. But darnit, it’s Spike! And he’s American! And fighting through a tortuous will-they-won’t-they relationship with prickly Julia Sawalha.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
As it seems that the much vaunted Oxford Street ‘Fast Lane For People Who Know Where They’re Going And Are Not Window-Shopping’ has faltered in its establishment, I am now campaigning for the ‘Ticket Barrier Exclusively For People Who Have Used Public Transport Once Before In Their Lives’. Good lord. Number one tip: Turn the ticket the right way round. Number two tip; If the barrier tells you to ‘Seek Assistance’, do so, cos the machine ain’t gonna change its mind no matter how many times you shove that bit of card in. Number three tip: You are not going to lose your brother/boyfriend/hetero-life-partner forever if you happen to go through the barrier not immediately after each other.
Comedy moment no. 1: A bloke trying for five minutes to pull down the nubbly bit dividing the tube seats thinking that it was an armrest.
Comedy moment no. 2: Three girls starting to come out of the train toilet before an incredibly fast shove back in as they realised that the ticket inspector was standing right outside, ready to unlock the main doors upon arrival at the station. And then having to subtly exit toilet behind his back in order to get off the train. Beautifully done.
Comedy moment no. 3 (taped off of that idiot box): Finchy: "What do you know about football?" Brent: "Guilty. I support Reading." Ouch. (But after the last 3 games, somewhat appropriate).
Comedy moment no. 2: Three girls starting to come out of the train toilet before an incredibly fast shove back in as they realised that the ticket inspector was standing right outside, ready to unlock the main doors upon arrival at the station. And then having to subtly exit toilet behind his back in order to get off the train. Beautifully done.
Comedy moment no. 3 (taped off of that idiot box): Finchy: "What do you know about football?" Brent: "Guilty. I support Reading." Ouch. (But after the last 3 games, somewhat appropriate).
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Update on the 200 Santas thing.
I had kind of surmised that it must be some kind of flash mob or Circle line party type thing and it is so. And this is the picture I saw them taking. Weird.
I had kind of surmised that it must be some kind of flash mob or Circle line party type thing and it is so. And this is the picture I saw them taking. Weird.
I'd like to sing a little song, it's called "I tried to run errands on Oxford Street two days before Christmas and got squished." It's a hideous annoyance that my local shops to work happen to be on Oxford St and Regent St. You have never wanted more to maim a daytripper. And can't they have special queues in the bank and in shops for people who are doing work-related things rather than those being dozy with their Christmas shopping? Bless being on the mean streets of central London: my route through Golden Square was blocked by an armed response team, presumably responding to the series of ever-so-slightly-dodgy-sounding bangs 10 minutes earlier. There has been an official missive at work as to what to do in case of a fire, but the bomb procedure pretty much reads as ‘decide it amongst yourselves.’ On an up-note, I’ve found a very close café that sells minestrone soup for 90p. Result.
I have seen pretty much no holiday television, other than the odd snippet of EastEnders. This depresses me. And WTF was up with the dancing about in the snow as a denouement? But I am looking forward to tonight’s After They Were Famous: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I have no shame.
Channel 4's 100 Greatest Musicals: A disappointment. I'm as big a musical geek as the next lycra-clad jazz-shoe-shod person, but I really need some comedy Adam & Joe in between Ann Miller's incredible tap dancing exploits. Heck, I'd even settle for Gina Yashere.
Appreciating...
My grandfather being a chemist in Highgate and hence medicine-wrapping skills being passed on down the family to be distilled into my class speed-wrapping of presents, including a supreme effort on a rather challenging winter-hardy plant.
Latest celebrity spots:
Billy Bragg outside Virgin Radio, and The Darkness doing a signing in HMV. All before 11am. Ithangyew.
Latest in a series of South West Trains moans:
The Christmas and New Year services leaflet informs me that for the next week, the weekday services are on a 'Special Saturday Service'. Would they like to tell me exactly how that pertains to what time the trains are going? Cos that would be slightly useful.
Latest listening:
PopArt: The Best of The Pet Shop Boys. It's class. I will be pitying the foo’s who dare to play ghetto blaster wars with my shop next week. And I do appreciate the PSB’s efforts to make snazzy packaging, but you have to allow for a doughnut like me who will lose/mix up/mangle the whole 3 card envelope arrangement within 2 days.
Latest crossing of fingers:
That they change the posters on the Palladium for Jason Donovan’s run as Caractacus Potts in Chitty. Gary Wilmot’s beaming mug has already brightened my day on any drizzly morning.
I have seen pretty much no holiday television, other than the odd snippet of EastEnders. This depresses me. And WTF was up with the dancing about in the snow as a denouement? But I am looking forward to tonight’s After They Were Famous: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I have no shame.
Channel 4's 100 Greatest Musicals: A disappointment. I'm as big a musical geek as the next lycra-clad jazz-shoe-shod person, but I really need some comedy Adam & Joe in between Ann Miller's incredible tap dancing exploits. Heck, I'd even settle for Gina Yashere.
Appreciating...
My grandfather being a chemist in Highgate and hence medicine-wrapping skills being passed on down the family to be distilled into my class speed-wrapping of presents, including a supreme effort on a rather challenging winter-hardy plant.
Latest celebrity spots:
Billy Bragg outside Virgin Radio, and The Darkness doing a signing in HMV. All before 11am. Ithangyew.
Latest in a series of South West Trains moans:
The Christmas and New Year services leaflet informs me that for the next week, the weekday services are on a 'Special Saturday Service'. Would they like to tell me exactly how that pertains to what time the trains are going? Cos that would be slightly useful.
Latest listening:
PopArt: The Best of The Pet Shop Boys. It's class. I will be pitying the foo’s who dare to play ghetto blaster wars with my shop next week. And I do appreciate the PSB’s efforts to make snazzy packaging, but you have to allow for a doughnut like me who will lose/mix up/mangle the whole 3 card envelope arrangement within 2 days.
Latest crossing of fingers:
That they change the posters on the Palladium for Jason Donovan’s run as Caractacus Potts in Chitty. Gary Wilmot’s beaming mug has already brightened my day on any drizzly morning.
Monday, December 15, 2003
A life on stage...
Unsurprisingly, my career on the stage has been somewhat brief and insignificant. Unsurprisingly because a), I can’t act, and b), I will always get the attack of the giggles.
My only lead role was as the female version of the boy in The Snowman while aged 6 or 7. I graduated from that to a pioneer’s daughter called Hannah who had to say a tearful goodbye to her (stuffed) cat and a sarcastic cleaner with too much make-up on. All before the age of 11.
I then moved on to the dizzying heights of a roller-skating tank in Billy, a street urchin, a raindrop (yes, really), and a soldier’s wife. I perfected the art of singing random words to the songs from the back row and choking to death behind the scenery thanks to some sixth-former’s over-zealous usage of the smoke machine.
Eventually after so much sterling work in the chorus, the head of drama took pity on me and I actually had a named speaking role: Miss La Creevy in Nicholas Nickleby. Wearing, as a ‘friend’ told me completely deadpan, “the worst dress I’ve ever seen in my life”.
In the post-school years, there was a little shimmying to Gloria Estefan and then my West End debut involved shoving a bench and trees (real trees, well done Nick) on stage in front of Mike Leigh. My true West End performance debut (if you can count Euston as the West End) was a showcase of versatility, as I switched from ‘Woman on Scales’ to ‘World War 1 Nurse’. Even then I couldn’t stop laughing. Which isn’t entirely appropriate for the Battle of the Somme. I perfected biting down on my bottom lip to stop the giggling, which just made me look as if in deep anguish with the muslin curtain. And my dual roles of performer and set-builder meant me whacking out the Makita to re-attach shelves in the middle of performances.
Unsurprisingly, my career on the stage has been somewhat brief and insignificant. Unsurprisingly because a), I can’t act, and b), I will always get the attack of the giggles.
My only lead role was as the female version of the boy in The Snowman while aged 6 or 7. I graduated from that to a pioneer’s daughter called Hannah who had to say a tearful goodbye to her (stuffed) cat and a sarcastic cleaner with too much make-up on. All before the age of 11.
I then moved on to the dizzying heights of a roller-skating tank in Billy, a street urchin, a raindrop (yes, really), and a soldier’s wife. I perfected the art of singing random words to the songs from the back row and choking to death behind the scenery thanks to some sixth-former’s over-zealous usage of the smoke machine.
Eventually after so much sterling work in the chorus, the head of drama took pity on me and I actually had a named speaking role: Miss La Creevy in Nicholas Nickleby. Wearing, as a ‘friend’ told me completely deadpan, “the worst dress I’ve ever seen in my life”.
In the post-school years, there was a little shimmying to Gloria Estefan and then my West End debut involved shoving a bench and trees (real trees, well done Nick) on stage in front of Mike Leigh. My true West End performance debut (if you can count Euston as the West End) was a showcase of versatility, as I switched from ‘Woman on Scales’ to ‘World War 1 Nurse’. Even then I couldn’t stop laughing. Which isn’t entirely appropriate for the Battle of the Somme. I perfected biting down on my bottom lip to stop the giggling, which just made me look as if in deep anguish with the muslin curtain. And my dual roles of performer and set-builder meant me whacking out the Makita to re-attach shelves in the middle of performances.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
Things learnt this weekend...
It is entirely possible to reapply concealer, lipstick, and lipgloss between Stockwell and Vauxhall on the Victoria line.
200 Father Christmases walked through my place of work the other day. Seriously*. That will have confused the young ‘uns. They were quite possibly very drunken Father Christmases, seeing as they provided the sound effects of the biggest stag night in the world ever. And two of them posed for photos making rap star peace signs in front of a Banksy grafitti.
*or the Benylin-Lemsip-Vitamin C power-combo has had a greater effect on me than previously thought.
At Clapham South tube I noticed the comedy distinction between the two northern line routes. To your left, trains to glittering “Central London”. To your right, “Trains to Morden” (known somewhat less than affectionately as Mordor to some friends of mine).
Most recent celebrity spot: Colin from Press Gang. And, uh, from that sports agent thing with Neil Pearson. OK, his name is Paul Reynolds but he will forever be Colin. Hence the fear in his eyes when he appraised my age and so calculated the likelihood of me recognising him being very high.
Oh, and Nicky Clarke. Unsurprisingly, I saw the hair before I saw the man.
It is entirely possible to reapply concealer, lipstick, and lipgloss between Stockwell and Vauxhall on the Victoria line.
200 Father Christmases walked through my place of work the other day. Seriously*. That will have confused the young ‘uns. They were quite possibly very drunken Father Christmases, seeing as they provided the sound effects of the biggest stag night in the world ever. And two of them posed for photos making rap star peace signs in front of a Banksy grafitti.
*or the Benylin-Lemsip-Vitamin C power-combo has had a greater effect on me than previously thought.
At Clapham South tube I noticed the comedy distinction between the two northern line routes. To your left, trains to glittering “Central London”. To your right, “Trains to Morden” (known somewhat less than affectionately as Mordor to some friends of mine).
Most recent celebrity spot: Colin from Press Gang. And, uh, from that sports agent thing with Neil Pearson. OK, his name is Paul Reynolds but he will forever be Colin. Hence the fear in his eyes when he appraised my age and so calculated the likelihood of me recognising him being very high.
Oh, and Nicky Clarke. Unsurprisingly, I saw the hair before I saw the man.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
My entries for Room 101...
South West Trains
They are evil. Very very evil. They suck away my money for a non-existent service. They’re generally rude, and can’t be arsed to explain any delays apart from offering up the insanely annoying “delayed due to the delay of the inbound service”. That’s not a reason, that’s an effect of the reason.
Region Coding Enhanced
Mostly because I know that I can fiddle about with my DVD player in order to play RCE discs, but can’t for the life of me remember how. I know there is something to do with the menu button and entering 1999 somewhere, but no combination seems to work.
Tourists at the top of Oxford Circus tube.
Just keep moving, dammit! If you wish to stop and ponder your map, do so at the side, not at the top of the FRICKIN’ STAIRCASE!
The RMT
I found their offices a few months ago. Much mock-spitting as I walked by. Sodding striking for ridiculous reasons. Hello, RMT members? The real world, yes that thing over there, has to cope without resorting to striking over lack of sugar for your cup of coffee or whatever.
Sophie Ellis Bextor
Just cos.
South West Trains
They are evil. Very very evil. They suck away my money for a non-existent service. They’re generally rude, and can’t be arsed to explain any delays apart from offering up the insanely annoying “delayed due to the delay of the inbound service”. That’s not a reason, that’s an effect of the reason.
Region Coding Enhanced
Mostly because I know that I can fiddle about with my DVD player in order to play RCE discs, but can’t for the life of me remember how. I know there is something to do with the menu button and entering 1999 somewhere, but no combination seems to work.
Tourists at the top of Oxford Circus tube.
Just keep moving, dammit! If you wish to stop and ponder your map, do so at the side, not at the top of the FRICKIN’ STAIRCASE!
The RMT
I found their offices a few months ago. Much mock-spitting as I walked by. Sodding striking for ridiculous reasons. Hello, RMT members? The real world, yes that thing over there, has to cope without resorting to striking over lack of sugar for your cup of coffee or whatever.
Sophie Ellis Bextor
Just cos.
Monday, December 08, 2003
Probably soon to be added to when I remember more...
• Frank Spencer on rollerskates - Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, 1973.
Mostly because it involves commentary from my parents about the roads in which it takes place. And it starts off at the Ally Pally roller rink.
• Alan Partridge does a Kate Bush medley - Comic Relief, 1999.
“Rolllllllleeeng the ball. Rolllllleeeng the ball.”
• Johnny Vaughan does Telegraph military obituaries - The Big Breakfast, 1997-2001.
Like gilding a lily, perhaps, but just hearing the obituaries read out with their ridiculous but true tales of derring-do warms your heart.
• Shaun Ryder swearing on the 2nd (3rd?) visit running - TFI Friday, 1996.
The look of impending doom on Chris Evans’s face is beautiful.
• Brian Potter gets stuck on his stairlift during a power cut - Phoenix Nights, 2001.
• Jack Dee on Celebrity Big Brother - Comic Relief, 2001.
A chance to do build-up and pay-off of jokes days apart. Beautiful to see. Even if the gags involved Keith-from-Boyzone’s toilet activities.
• Ruby Wax’s ‘performances’ on Celebrity Fame Academy - Comic Relief, 2003.
An interesting performance of ‘Sk8ter Boi’. Never too shy to pretty much roll around on the floor.
• Michael Barrymore chucking the autocue away, much to the distress of Jonathan Ross - British Comedy Awards
• Spike MIlligan special category:
- “I’ve been waiting here bloody ages!” from behind the scenery on This Is Your Life.
- Putting his own house in Room 101, 1999.
- Putting Portsmouth into Room 101. Billed as Spike ‘I Hate Portsmouth’ Milligan. Why? “I died a fucking death there”.
• Johnny Vegas’s long admission of shameful addiction to Beauty’s Castle - Room 101, 2001.
• Karaoke football commentary on World of Pub, 2000.
• Some footballer trying and failing to explain the offside rule while getting a Gotcha! from Mr Blobby - Noel’s House Party, early 90s.
• West Side Story, Scrubs style, 2001
• The capital punishment coverage - The Day Today, 1994.
They even get the faking of NTSC broadcast look right.
• Paul Merton on the penguins falling backwards due to planes flying over - Have I Got News For You, late 1990s.
• Boris Johnson being stitched up by Ian Hislop over his dodgy friend - Have I Got News For You, late 1990s.
• Alan Davies doing wine tasting - This Morning.
I can’t even remember why it was so funny. It was just the facial expressions.
• Lily Savage besmirching Gaby Roslin’s character on every appearance - This Morning.
The only time you see Richard & Judy completely lose it.
• David Brent does his “music” - The Office Series 1, 2001.
“Hot love on the hot love highway....Free love on the free love freeway”
• The quiz - Friends, 1995.
“No, Miss Chanandler Bong”.
• Rachel’s doomed birthday party - Friends, 1995.
The prancing across the corridor gets me every time.
• Every stag night - Neighbours, 1980s.
Those kooky Australians, they always end up naked trying to hitch a lift from somewhere in ‘The Bush’.
• Trevor & Simon witchfinder general skit - Going Live, ?1990.
Kids dressed up as Salem witchhunters and poking Philip Schofield with sticks. What’s not to love?
• Big Mo and Pat face off across the Square to the strains of 187 Lockdown - EastEnders, 2000.
“Ding ding da-ding ding”.
• Father Ted explains perspective to Father Dougal - Father Ted, 1996.
“That cow is small because it’s very far away...”
•“I’m Cheryl Park.” “And I’m Mark Avenue.” “Together we are, PARK AVENUE!” "Let meeeee entertaaain yooooou” - That Peter Kay Thing, 2000.
• Frank Spencer on rollerskates - Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, 1973.
Mostly because it involves commentary from my parents about the roads in which it takes place. And it starts off at the Ally Pally roller rink.
• Alan Partridge does a Kate Bush medley - Comic Relief, 1999.
“Rolllllllleeeng the ball. Rolllllleeeng the ball.”
• Johnny Vaughan does Telegraph military obituaries - The Big Breakfast, 1997-2001.
Like gilding a lily, perhaps, but just hearing the obituaries read out with their ridiculous but true tales of derring-do warms your heart.
• Shaun Ryder swearing on the 2nd (3rd?) visit running - TFI Friday, 1996.
The look of impending doom on Chris Evans’s face is beautiful.
• Brian Potter gets stuck on his stairlift during a power cut - Phoenix Nights, 2001.
• Jack Dee on Celebrity Big Brother - Comic Relief, 2001.
A chance to do build-up and pay-off of jokes days apart. Beautiful to see. Even if the gags involved Keith-from-Boyzone’s toilet activities.
• Ruby Wax’s ‘performances’ on Celebrity Fame Academy - Comic Relief, 2003.
An interesting performance of ‘Sk8ter Boi’. Never too shy to pretty much roll around on the floor.
• Michael Barrymore chucking the autocue away, much to the distress of Jonathan Ross - British Comedy Awards
• Spike MIlligan special category:
- “I’ve been waiting here bloody ages!” from behind the scenery on This Is Your Life.
- Putting his own house in Room 101, 1999.
- Putting Portsmouth into Room 101. Billed as Spike ‘I Hate Portsmouth’ Milligan. Why? “I died a fucking death there”.
• Johnny Vegas’s long admission of shameful addiction to Beauty’s Castle - Room 101, 2001.
• Karaoke football commentary on World of Pub, 2000.
• Some footballer trying and failing to explain the offside rule while getting a Gotcha! from Mr Blobby - Noel’s House Party, early 90s.
• West Side Story, Scrubs style, 2001
• The capital punishment coverage - The Day Today, 1994.
They even get the faking of NTSC broadcast look right.
• Paul Merton on the penguins falling backwards due to planes flying over - Have I Got News For You, late 1990s.
• Boris Johnson being stitched up by Ian Hislop over his dodgy friend - Have I Got News For You, late 1990s.
• Alan Davies doing wine tasting - This Morning.
I can’t even remember why it was so funny. It was just the facial expressions.
• Lily Savage besmirching Gaby Roslin’s character on every appearance - This Morning.
The only time you see Richard & Judy completely lose it.
• David Brent does his “music” - The Office Series 1, 2001.
“Hot love on the hot love highway....Free love on the free love freeway”
• The quiz - Friends, 1995.
“No, Miss Chanandler Bong”.
• Rachel’s doomed birthday party - Friends, 1995.
The prancing across the corridor gets me every time.
• Every stag night - Neighbours, 1980s.
Those kooky Australians, they always end up naked trying to hitch a lift from somewhere in ‘The Bush’.
• Trevor & Simon witchfinder general skit - Going Live, ?1990.
Kids dressed up as Salem witchhunters and poking Philip Schofield with sticks. What’s not to love?
• Big Mo and Pat face off across the Square to the strains of 187 Lockdown - EastEnders, 2000.
“Ding ding da-ding ding”.
• Father Ted explains perspective to Father Dougal - Father Ted, 1996.
“That cow is small because it’s very far away...”
•“I’m Cheryl Park.” “And I’m Mark Avenue.” “Together we are, PARK AVENUE!” "Let meeeee entertaaain yooooou” - That Peter Kay Thing, 2000.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
The joys of the last train home...
Monky reminds me. I recently reacquainted myself with the delight that is the 23.33 out of Waterloo. It is a class packed-to-the-gills wagon that leaves at a time enabling you enough minutes to stumble towards Waterloo/Clapham Junction as soon as the last orders bell rings.
Now I frequently got this train. In fact, I took up a Friday night residence on this train. The strategy developed over the years was to not be the drunkest person on the train as, invariably, I would be on the train for the longest distance. The first year, this didn't happen very often. By last year, I was being entrusted with the waking up of middle-aged commuters who'd just been to an office party for their stop. The poor amateurs who didn't know that you have to pace yourself if you're going to have to sit on a train for 45 minutes with no conveniences nearby.
I have had a discussion about Blazing Squad with three 13-year-olds and a 50-year-old drunk woman as the teenagers tried to explain which ones were buff to the woman using the visual aid of the concert programme.
I have seen some sadistic wanker at Staines decide to swap round which set of carriages go to Reading or Weybridge when the train splits (oh yes, they put the greatest travelling challenge to the drunkest passenger contingent of the day). This being in the middle of a rainstorm. The entire capacity of the busiest train in the whole day having to swap carriages in the soaking wet. Thank you, Mr Sadistic Wanker. And you wonder why we don't like you?
I have chatted to the head of ITV weather about my career while on a rail replacement bus. How? We were the only (or rather, loudest) two calling out that South West Trains were lying bastards after our train was terminated at Virginia Water. We're not that stupid: engineering work doesn't suddenly appear with prior advertisement, so sod off, we know that our driver just didn't turn up.
I have sweet-talked way too many rail replacement bus drivers into dropping me far closer to my house than the station is (though they refuse to drop me off at traffic lights in case I get run over by the non-existent traffic. Like whaa?).
I have wandered into the path of a similarly drunk friend from school, who then walked me home, while his friend propositioned me on his behalf via his mobile. Completely coincidentally, it's still the last time I saw him.
I have done the stumble home from my station just a little bit too sober not to notice that it's really not a good idea to do so so late at night.
Monky reminds me. I recently reacquainted myself with the delight that is the 23.33 out of Waterloo. It is a class packed-to-the-gills wagon that leaves at a time enabling you enough minutes to stumble towards Waterloo/Clapham Junction as soon as the last orders bell rings.
Now I frequently got this train. In fact, I took up a Friday night residence on this train. The strategy developed over the years was to not be the drunkest person on the train as, invariably, I would be on the train for the longest distance. The first year, this didn't happen very often. By last year, I was being entrusted with the waking up of middle-aged commuters who'd just been to an office party for their stop. The poor amateurs who didn't know that you have to pace yourself if you're going to have to sit on a train for 45 minutes with no conveniences nearby.
I have had a discussion about Blazing Squad with three 13-year-olds and a 50-year-old drunk woman as the teenagers tried to explain which ones were buff to the woman using the visual aid of the concert programme.
I have seen some sadistic wanker at Staines decide to swap round which set of carriages go to Reading or Weybridge when the train splits (oh yes, they put the greatest travelling challenge to the drunkest passenger contingent of the day). This being in the middle of a rainstorm. The entire capacity of the busiest train in the whole day having to swap carriages in the soaking wet. Thank you, Mr Sadistic Wanker. And you wonder why we don't like you?
I have chatted to the head of ITV weather about my career while on a rail replacement bus. How? We were the only (or rather, loudest) two calling out that South West Trains were lying bastards after our train was terminated at Virginia Water. We're not that stupid: engineering work doesn't suddenly appear with prior advertisement, so sod off, we know that our driver just didn't turn up.
I have sweet-talked way too many rail replacement bus drivers into dropping me far closer to my house than the station is (though they refuse to drop me off at traffic lights in case I get run over by the non-existent traffic. Like whaa?).
I have wandered into the path of a similarly drunk friend from school, who then walked me home, while his friend propositioned me on his behalf via his mobile. Completely coincidentally, it's still the last time I saw him.
I have done the stumble home from my station just a little bit too sober not to notice that it's really not a good idea to do so so late at night.
